Stop the judgment!

I had an interesting conversation with a sisterfriend yesterday. She'd read my blog entry about the Lunapads give-away and thanked me for bringing up the subject. Her daughter was born about a month after mine and since her cycle returned she'd been using cloth menstrual pads... but was afraid to tell anyone. She and I both cloth diaper our babies, so we've often vibed about cloth diapering and other green parenting methods. But she was hessitant to talk openly about her cloth pad use because she was afraid of being judged. She's seen how people have reacted in disgust when the subject is breached. And some members of her family and community had been vocal about their feelings on her methods before. When you set out to do something a little different or unconventional, sometimes people will look at you funny and label you for it. This sort of hearkens back to my whole "Black Folks Don't..." discussion. She thought if she mentioned that she uses cloth pads, people wouldn't be very understanding of her choice and decide that she's going too far. So to save herself the scrutiny, she just chooses not to mention it.

This brings to light the issue I've had with setting out on this journey: the judgment from both ends of the spectrum. Some people have kind of written me off as a "hippie" or "new age" for trying to do some things more naturally. Amazingly, some fellow "Christians" (notice the quotation marks) have even labeled me a pagan. That's a whole other blog entry in itself! But on the same token, some people who I look to for green living advice are often ultra-militant about their lifestyles. They absolutely cannot stand to see anyone neglect to recycle, use disposable diapers, or drive non-hybrid cars. On one messageboard, I saw a mother basically slam other moms for using plastic baby bottles and letting their kids play with plastic toys. She only uses glass bottles and wooden toys because of the threat of chemicals leeching out of plastics. Seriously? If I use a Playtex nurser I'm less of a mother than you? Come on, people!

In general, people -- especially moms -- are just doing the best they can. My journey has been about finding simple ways I could make my family a little "greener"... one at a time. Yes, I encourage others to try some of the things we've implemented, but they're certainly not the ogres of the world if they don't want to do things my way. I don't even think like that. This is a place for sharing and education, not judgment. Barking at people won't make them change, and dismissing them won't stop them from doing what they will. We could enrich each other's lives so much just by opening our hearts and minds and choosing understanding over judgment.

Actually, I wish my friend had shared her methods earlier. It would have saved me a lot of research, exploration, and confusion. We had a very informative talk and she gave me so much guidance on an issue about which I'd been curious. In her vulnerability, she helped me. Imagine how many others she might have helped already. I can't thank her enough for that, and I'm reminded once again of how we can let our judgement and other people's judgment keep us all in bondage. That's not a lesson just for green living. It's a lesson for everyday living.

Girl, you know black folks don't...

You know, over the years as I've explored ways of living naturally I've had my "blackness" questioned many times by my own people. When I became a vegetarian, I got comments like, "Girl, as much poke (pork) as black folks eat? You gonna want some fried chicken in a minute!" Some people genuinely didn't believe me and would encourage me to just "eat the sausage" anyway. When I stopped chemically straightening my hair, people would say, "You'll never get a job like that. You know [white] folks won't take you seariously if your hair is nappy." Not surprisingly, when I got pregnant and started to embrace more natural parenting methods like low-tech birth and cloth diapering, I got comments like, "You're gonna get sick of them cloth diapers," or "Most women have an epidural. Your mama had an epidural. You'll be hollaring for that epidural, watch!"

I've learned it's not my "blackness" that they question. It's the appearance that I think I'm too good to do what my people had been doing for years. Why isn't the way we've always done things good enough for you?

Thankfully, I find that most people I know who are of my generation support natural, eco-friendly living and many practice it themselves. It seems I mostly get the sideways comments from my elders, sadly. I was speaking with a lady in my church who saw me feeding my daughter some Happy Baby Organic Apple Puffs.

She told me she would tell her daughter-in-law about them because she's so "picky" about what her child eats. I could hear the condescension in her voice when she said, "picky." It made me laugh, because I'm that "picky daughter-in-law" who feeds her baby organic food, breastfed exclusively for 5.5 months, wears her regularly instead of using a stroller, only uses cloth diapers, and prefers not to let her have table food or certain snacks until she's a year old. I smiled, looked her in the eye, and said, "She should be picky."

The funny thing is that when you set out to do things naturally and are successful, the elders are often amazed. When we visited family in Ohio the other weekend, I swear I brought Layla's entire diaper stash with us. My aunts and uncles marveled at how far cloth diapers have come and how easy it was to work with them. They were sure we would have given up on that by now. But seeing how we raise her naturally, and seeing how healthy, happy, and well-adjusted our daughter is, they understand it now. My aunt even told me she was proud of me.

Eventually, the elders accepted my diet and have seen how heartily I can eat with no meat on my plate. They got used to my hair and even begged me never to cut it. And now when they see how we raise our little tree-hugger, they seem to get it. Maybe these new-fangled black folks with their new-fangled ideas and practices might have something here.

I'm just going to put it out there...

Okay, I'm making myself vulnerable here. I've decided to share something so personal, so shameful, that I rarely ever tell anyone about it. It's been an embarrassment of mine for a very long time, and quite frankly I'm still not over the shame of it all. But for the greater good, I feel it's best I share this most abasing aspect of my life. *deep breath* Alright, here goes...



This is our laundry pile. Garment upon garment of washed, yet unfolded clothes. Some of them were washed just yesterday. Others were washed weeks ago. Instead of folding them or hanging them in the closet, every morning we go down to the lower level of our home, rummage through the monstrous pile, and hope we find something suitable to wear to work. Let's see that again, shall we?

Wow, it looks even more monstrous from that angle, doesn't it? I'm really very ashamed of the way we treat our laundry. Why am I sharing all of this? Because I want to prove a point. I'm an avid proponent of cloth diapering and the number one concern/objection I get from people I talk to about it is that they don't want to do all the laundry that comes with it. They insist that they can barely keep up with the laundry they have, so they're sure they'd never be able to wash diapers regularly. However, as you can clearly see from the pictures above, neither I nor my husband are particularly on top of our laundry game, yet our daughter's diapers always manage to look like this:


Look at the contrast! How is it we can manage to keep her diapers washed and folded neatly, yet our clothes are left to sort themselves? I really wish I had the answer to that question, but I do know this: Even the most laundry-averse of us can successfully cloth diaper our children. No, I don't particularly like doing laundry, but in all honesty I haven't found washing and caring for her diapers to be all that cumbersome. In fact, it's become pretty routine at this point. And besides, anyone with kids is going to spend more than their fair share of time in front of a washer and dryer. Those munchkins dirty everything they wear... constantly! So I find the "I don't wanna do laundry" argument a bit curious, given the amount of laundry most parents do on a daily basis anyway. From one laundry-phobe to another, it's really not that bad.

So, there's all my business out in the open for everyone to see. I hope someone's found it helpful. Oddly, I feel a little better now having admitted I have a problem. It's kind of liberating!

Cloth Diapering and Babysitters - Dispelling Some Myths

My daughter started with a new day care provider yesterday. My sister-in-law sends her boys to this woman and I absolutely adore her. She's warm, friendly, organized, and very good with the children. Her day care is set up very similarly to school and the kids receive structured education taylored to their developmental level. So she doesn't just "watch" the children, she actually teaches them as well. She goes out of her way to provide for them and to show the parents her appreciation for their business. I can sing her praises all day long, but initially we ran into a snag.

When we were considering switching our daughter to her day care, my husband asked her about her policy on cloth diapers. She told him she did not deal with cloth diapers. We have cloth diapered Layla from birth for many reasons. The most important reason, for me, was environmental. Babies have between 6,000 to 9,000 diaper changes during their diaper-wearing years. That's 9,000 dirty diapers per child in landfills, taking up to 500 years to biodegrade and slowly leaking untreated human waste into the ground and ultimately into the water supply. I cringe when I think about it! But in addition to the environmental reasons, we've chosen to cloth diaper because it's cheaper and it's healthier for baby. For me, putting Layla in disposable diapers for an extended period of time was not an option.

We use a number of cloth diapering methods, including pocket diapers for babysitters and grandparents. Those diapers are functionally no different from disposables and are built the same way. We've chosen bumGenius 3.0 One-Size pocket diapers for Layla.

It doesn't get much more user-friendly in the world of cloth diapers than this. I decided to plead my case to the new day care provider. Initially she expressed concern about state regulations against using cloth, however in the state of Maryland there are no regulations against it. In fact, the diapering procedures given to day care providers have guidelines for the use of disposable AND cloth diapers. We described the kind of diapers we use to her and she was pleasantly surprised that there were no pins involved. That was the source of the apprehension all along... she didn't want to get stuck! Who could blame her?

My friendly advice to parents considering cloth diapering in day care: First, get familiar with your state and local government policies. Don't let any care provider tell you using cloth diapers are against state policies if they are not. Second, consider supplying day care providers with easy-to-use cloth diapers, such as all-in-ones or pocket diapers. Making it as easy as possible for them usually negates their objections. Third, stand by your reasoning for making this decision about your child's care. If you've determined there are no real legal or functional obstacles to using cloth for your child in day care, yet the care provider continues to object, consider finding another provider. I can't imagine too many day care providers passing up steady income in this economy.

In the future I'll write an entry about our cloth diapering methods, including pictures of our "stash."